We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
