he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
