I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Found your dick twin last night
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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