The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
