I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
