He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
