My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
