"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize