Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
