You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
