awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
