even my farts smell like vagina
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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