Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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