just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
