Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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