be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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