Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
