the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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