i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
