Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
