I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
