I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
