Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
