The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
