your parents love me but you hate me
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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