My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
