Is it normal to miss your booty call?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
