There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
