I never want to see another naked old woman again.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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