life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
