One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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