we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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