T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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