we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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