Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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