If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
