i think my mom watched the whole time
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
