Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I believe in your delicious
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
