the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
