plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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