I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Randomize
