Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
