Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
