Where are you?
In a non slutty way
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
