she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
