how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
