He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
This baby is an asshole
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
