She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize