I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
