I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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