can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
