just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
