Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
