this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
