After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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