i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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