there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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