How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
