i don't like sucking hair
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
