It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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