um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
