Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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