My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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