I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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