woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
