sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
