So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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