When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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