don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
We're too hungover to prance.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
